Home > Random Thoughts, Rants > To You…

To You…

I have always had alot to tell you, but at the same time I always don’t know where to start. Since I am leaving soon to the UK in less than a month time, I shall write down what I felt and not just forget about it.

I am the youngest in the family. I stayed at home the longest, compared to my two elder brothers. Relatively I am closer to you. At the same time, I know you expect more from me.

I know you want me to be at your sides. So I chose to stay at home most of the time during the past 9 months. I planned to go visiting my friends, traveling around, even do hospital attachment in different hospitals. But eventually I cancelled all the plans, because I want to keep you accompanied. And now in the last month of my very last long break, I wish to visit my friends before I fly off, it annoyed you again. Sigh… However I will still try to spend my time at home maximally, though I can’t do anything productive.

You complained a lot. About family, about Pa, about those aunties, about those 三姑六婆, about whoever around (I know, sometimes I joined the discussion too…haha) But do you know it is also not easy to be a listener, listening to rants all over again and again. It is like receiving negative aura constantly. I felt tired at times, but I still listen, because I love you. If I don’t listen, you have nowhere to vent. So, I will still listen.

You tend to lose your temper very easily, recklessly. Anything I did (we did), as long as it is not according to your wish or your order, you will be unhappy (even though the outcome is the same). For example, I drive you everyday for the past few months. We have various routes in order to get to the same destination. But you got annoyed if I don’t follow your instruction. “Turn here turn here!!!” But I have my thought too. If I didn’t follow, you are unhappy. You pulled your face long, you kept quiet. Waiting at the traffic lights, I waited but you wanted me to use the short cut to cut queue. If I didn’t follow, or didn’t make it in time, you got annoyed. I endured, as I don’t want you to get angrier. As I know your initial thought was for my own benefits.

But do you know, with your hot temper, your blood pressure shoots up easier, your heart-beat goes faster, with the bad mood your hormones go haywire then you got headache, gastric pain… And then you have insomnia. I want you to change your temper, so that you can stay happier, healthier, live longer. I want you to live long, long, forever; so that you can see me graduate from medical school, so that you can see me becoming a passionate, caring and successful doctor. I want to make you proud.

You like to compare me with whoever around. Perhaps my rather outstanding performance in childhood makes you having higher expectation on me. Maybe I didn’t work hard enough, maybe I am not smart enough. But I am always striving for the best. You compared me with your friend’s son (for example Ah Yong, which I hate to the max), you compared me with some relatives’ sons/daughters (even when we went for the same tuition class), you compared me with my classmates, my peers, and you even compared me with those excellent over-achievers/all-rounders who were successful enough to be reported in newspaper.

But do you know that each of us individual are different? That’s why we are individual. Maybe you overlook some good points in me which don’t exist on them? I am not genius, you can’t expect me to be the same as those people who appear in newspaper! If I do, I will be them already and not sitting here, right?

Yet I know you said these out of good thought. You want me to be successful, you want me to be a better man, you love to the max deep inside your heart. So I listen, I nod, and I put it inside my heart. However, I found the burden on my shoulders getting heavier day by day. I myself tend to compare myself with my peers. I constantly found that I am way behind schedule, and I felt myself have not been trying my best. Hence I felt guilty. I don’t know how far more the guiltiness in my heart can keep me going.

You might not know how much I love you. You might not know how proud am I to have you. You might not know how hard I am to make you feel proud. I, seriously, want you to feel proud of me.

I follow Taoism as my religion. But I believe in Buddhism too. I pray to the Buddha, please keep you and my family healthy. May you live long, happy and healthy ever after, so that I have enough time to prove myself to you all, to make you all proud. I am really, praying hard here…

I have a lot more to tell, but I don’t know how to continue. It’s fine, I guess these will be the source of power, the motivation to keep me going. Until the day I come back, I will be a different person.

I. Love. You.

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Categories: Random Thoughts, Rants
  1. Huey Ling
    August 15, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    T.T
    I thought eldest child got higher expectation?
    hehe…
    I know exactly how you feel
    I try my best to stay at home
    but sometimes just can’t help having some plans ><
    and yea my mom complains a lot too
    and feel not satisfy all the time
    when I was driving she likes to instruct me too
    I think 天下的妈妈都是一样的
    and I love her too
    till the max <3

    don't emo lar you
    btw…thanks for your ziippp
    I tried it just now
    and I seriously look like 'lala' =.=

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